12/31/2012 - 147

2013 has been my second fattest year. My worst was 2002 when I got up to almost 160. So gross.

I've been reading and talking with some people about this Paleo lifestyle and man.. I'm scared. More scared than I've been to do anything in my life.

I fail at everything I do.  Diets.  Resolutions.  Promises.  Goals.

You name it, I've failed doing it.  Or keeping it.  Or following through with it.

I don't want to be sitting here on December 31st, 2013 and be fatter, more miserable and even less healthy than I am now.  I'm sick of looking at old pictures of myself and feeling so sad.

25 pounds in 2 years.  In TWO YEARS!  That is ridiculous!!!

Today I've had 2 Sierra Mist's, 6 mozzarella sticks, way too many pita chips and half a container of hummus.  I feel sick to my stomach.  I feel like I'm dragging and that I should just crawl in bed and go to sleep.

I know that if I stay away from processed CRAP I will feel better.  I'll have more energy.  I'll WANT to go to the gym.  I remember 2 years ago feeling SO good!  So happy and energized.

Here we go:

-Weigh in EVERY single day to be sure I'm on track.
-Stick with Paleo and no meat.
-Workout 3 times a week once I get energy back.

Goal:

-Weigh in at 139 by February 1st.
-Start gym by February 1st.

EDITED:

Woot woot!  Just downloaded the guide for the 21 Day Sugar Detox.  Now THIS I can get on board with!  I start tomorrow and will go for 21 days to get off sugar.  This should help me ease into eating Paleo eventually.  Perhaps I'll stick with no sugar/flour only while I'm a vegetarian.  And then when I start meat again I will go full Paleo.

Here's hoping!  I have 2 hours left to eat what I want.. off I go on a bender!

12/28/2012 - ?

4 months later.

Still around the same weight.  Still miserable with my health/weight/eating.

I guess I'm one of those people who need to just start on a starting date.  January 1st.  I'm going to do it.  I have to do it.  I need to do it.  I WANT to DO IT!

As of January 1, 2013 I plan on:

- Eating semi-Paleo
- Staying far away from fast-food
- Developing self-control & will power
- Creating a strict household budget
- Creating and sticking to a cleaning schedule
- Working out 3 times a week
- Blog every day
- Update project365 every day

This is by far the hardest and most extensive list of resolutions I've ever done.  Right now I have so much hope that I'll do it.  I hope and pray that I can stick to them.  Really stick to them and enjoy it.  Otherwise, I'm sunk.

8/28/12 - 144

For crying out loud.

I want to give up.  So.Bad.

I'm tired of the yo-yo of the scale.  I'm tired of feeling guilty every time I eat anything.  I'm tired of thinking (hoping) that the Shred will finally do what I need.

I'm just tired.

I just finished day 6 of the shred (skipped on Sunday, literally didn't have time to do it) and I feel a lot stronger.  I think I'll be ready on day 11 to go up a level.. but I don't feel ANY different.  I was even bragging about how my undies were fitting differently the other day.. turns out, they were my MOMS!!  She lives with us and they got mixed in with my clothes.

Sigh.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to do a Boot Camp class at the YMCA, my friend is the instructor.  I don't even want to go.  I feel so defeated.  I know that since I'm not dieting I won't see the scale move much, especially since I'm building muscle.. but my clothes don't fit any different either.  :/  It's like I'm doing this work for NOTHING.

Pft.  I'm in a bad mood and I have a headache, again.

8/25/12 - 142.5

Stayed the same.. Which I will take! Just finishes day 4 of the shred and it seemed to go by much quicker.

This morning I noticed that my undies aren't filling out like they have been. So either they grew or my tush is getting smaller. I took my measurements and nothing has changed, so I have no idea what is going on.

Still aiming for 139 by next Friday. I ate grapefruit this morning for breakfast since I was craving it. I'd rather crave that than a donut!

8/24/12 - 142.5

I gained a stinking half pound.

This is where I stomp off and cry.  Not really, I just did my 30 day shred (I can actually do a wuss push up!!) and didn't pig out.  I'm super pumped that I can do a (wuss) pushup.. I'll be doing real ones in NO time!

I didn't eat a whole lot today; some California Rolls, 2 teeny pieces of pizza and a big ole fruit smoothie (only fruit and yogurt).  I think I may grab something to eat so I don't go off the deep end in a couple of hours and eat the whole house!

School starts on Monday.  Which means I get to go BACK to the gym every single day.  Yay doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.. WOOOOOOOOO!!!!

8/23/12 - 142

I wasn't expecting to lose weight, that's for sure. But so glad I did! I did day 2 of the shred and for some reason it was harder today! I think because I knew what to expect, so I was dreading each work out.

I also ate nothing until dinner tonight, which is not healthy at all.. I was just so busy that I forgot! I'm hoping to break the 139 mark by next Friday.. Really hoping sooner though.

8/22/12 - 144

Sigh.

That's what going on vacation does.. allows you to gain and weight and since I didn't have access to a scale, I couldn't update my posts.

So today I started the...

Let me tell you that I've never loathed a human that I haven't met more than I did today!  I had to run down my stairs because I couldn't stop the momentum of my body.  That's how fried my muscles were.  And it was only 20 minutes!  Yowza!  I feel good though.  My sister and I are doing it together and we took our 'Before' photos.  That was HARD.  Usually when I have my stomach showing I'm alone in the bathroom, not being photographed by someone!

I was going to do the 21 day sugar detox, but the food restrictions are SO intense.. I really feel like I would just starve instead of trying to eat what is on the 'ok' list.

I just had an epiphany.  I will NEVER lose the weight I need to if I don't fix my diet.  Perhaps I will stop eating meat again?  I think I could do it.  I lasted 11 months last time.

You know what?  I'm doing it.  I can do it.  I WILL DO IT.

8/11/12 - ?

Staying at a house with no scale.. That will be either great or terrible.

When you haven't seen your dad in a month and he says "you gaining weight?"..

Sigh again.

8/10/12 - 143.5

Gaining is no fun.

Drive from 6:30am to 12:30am.. Tried to eat good but it was so hard!! Ended up caving and having McDonald's.

Sigh

8/9/12 - 142.5

I will take losing a half pound over gaining one!  Now if I had eaten dessert last night I wouldn't have lost anything.. I mean, they had lemon pound cake (my fave) and all kinds of yummy candies.  I could have eaten 2 pounds worth of that stuff!

So tomorrow I take off with 4 kids to New England.  From NC.  It's about a 15 hour drive.. yikes.  My biggest concern?  My snacking.  I tend to eat when on road trips.  Although it's not usually me driving, so maybe I'll be ok.  The last time I did this drive I was alone.  It was 2 years ago and I was driving up for the weekend because I was in a wedding.  I was only 119 then.  I will get there.  I WILL get to that weight again!!!

Exactly 2 years ago this month:  

Those shorts are a tiny size 4.. currently I can't even button them! (Nice goofy face)

I asked one of my good friends (the one who teaches my strength classes at the Y) to please text me different work outs while I'm gone.  There is not going to be time for me to go for a run or anything, so I'm going to have to stick to interval training.  Which I tend to like better anyway.

8/8/12 - 143

Better to stay than gain!

Yesterday I missed my exercise class, which really annoyed me.  I mean, I was MAD.  All because my son couldn't find his sneakers.  That boy.. sigh.

Last night we went to a Blessing Ceremony for a lovely 16 year old girl and while there I ate only ONE plate of hors d'ourves!  That is serious will power.  And not only that, but I didn't eat dessert!!!  I had not ONE ounce of dessert!!!!!

This is me realizing I jumped a huge hurdle in the willpower world:

Thumbs up for self control!  

8/7/12 - 143

Hey hey! 143! It's funny.. Last year if I was in the 140's I would have died. 2 years ago if I was in the 140's I would have never eaten again. Unhealthy, but true.

Last night I was reading up on doing a 21 day sugar detox. It's intense!! I'm also going to do the 30 day shred with Jillian Michaels. That scares me a bit as well. All of that will start on September 1.

Just made my breakfast: mango, raspberry, strawberry, almond milk, coconut oil smoothie. So yum.

I'm probably obsessed with coconut oil already.. I've used in everything I've prepared since I got it on Sunday.  Could be why I slowly am feeling like a truck hit me.  Apparently one of the many, many things that CO does is cause you to detox.  Well slap my knee and call me Susie.. that's exactly how I feel!  On top of the fact that my arm class yesterday kicked my butt so my arms feel 20 pounds each.

I'd love to spend the rest of the day in bed, so I'm thankful that I have a lot of responsibilities.. it's keeping me from lounging.  I'm driving 15 hours back to my home state on Friday with a 6, 7, 11 and 15 year old.  Yes.  I'm scared.  Very very scared.  One, because let's face it.. time in the car isn't fun with kids.  Unless they are young enough to sleep for 15 hours.  And I would call that a coma, not a nap.  Two, because I want to stuff my face with all of the amazing New England yummyness.  Clam cakes, chowdah, dough boys.. the list goes on and on.  And it's all fatty mcfatterson.  I'm really really going to have to rest on God and know that He is going to help my willpower.  I mean, He's gotta.. because I can't do it!

Exercise today:

Swimming got cut short (12 minutes!!) due to lightening. :(

8/6/12 - 145

Don't want to just be thin.  Don't want to just 'lost weight'.  I want to be Skinny Fit.  To me that means muscle tone, tshirts that don't need to be bunched up over the belly, thin thighs, no muffin top.  Just toned and thin.  I'm thinking 120 pounds and a size 4.

That's not asking too much.. is it?

I started going to the gym in May.  Took 2 classes a week and got on the treadmill every few days.  Nothing hard core.  Apparently my body needs hard core.  Not only have I lost ZERO weight, I feel fatter than every before!  I know it's my diet.  Considering I just had this for lunch..

2 fatty and greasy breadsticks from Little Caesers.  Oy Nicole.  Simply OY.  I ate this all the while trying on my entire closet and putting a crap load of clothes 'away'.  They are in a bin and cannot be touched or tried on until I get to at least 125.  There is just no point.  The sad part is.. I remember wearing most of those clothes 2 years ago.  :whimper:  

The clothing.. shirts on top and pants and shorts inside the bin.  It's just so sad..

And of course the shirts mean I have extra hangers.. lots and LOTS of extra hangers..

Those hangers should be filled with clothing.  Clothing that FITS me!!  And I refuse to buy more stinking clothing just to **HOPEFULLY** lose weight and not wear them again.  

I've given myself until next May 1st.  I'm currently 145 and would like to lost 25 pounds.  That's not a hard goal, I know that.  But then I think about how much self control and willpower I'm going to need.  Honestly and truly only God can help me with that.  I don't have it in me, and won't pretend that I do.  For example.. I made these Oreo cheesecake bites yesterday for a get together with friends and still have a huge plate full.  I will ABSOLUTELY be praying that I don't get tempted to eat even one.

They are just amazing.  Fabulous.  YUMMY.  But no.  Can't have one.  Because with me it always leads to another one and another one and then it's 'well, this day is shot so go pig out on chips and cookies'.  Sigh.. if only I had the willpower of an adult and not of a 4 year old.

Lastly, I got a Ninja for my birthday (last month, turned 32.. ouch!).  I love this thing.  I've made a bunch of different smoothies and today I'm enjoying a Raspberry, Mango, Strawberry, Yogurt and Coconut Oil smoothie..

I just got the Coconut Oil yesterday from a friend.. she buys hers through a co-op so I asked her to get me a jar.  It smells heavenly!  I'm going to make a sugar scrub with it at some point.  I also need to look up other ways to use it.  Apparently I can use it in place of EVOO.. which is blasphemy to me!  I love me some olive oil!  

Exercise today:

1 hour class of interval training

Swimming laps later tonight.. ETA: due to a terrible storm we don't go to the Y. Did 15 minutes of cardio and a few intervals.